In which we softly linger — #Adjourn2017

Wednesday, December 27, 2017


A year full of ups and downs. What a year.

I am lucky it is mostly ups, but still. 

This year started pretty well actually — early this year, I got promoted to the second year, which I thought was not gonna happen because I thought I was failing. I was on the verge of giving up my dreams. Then, later this year, I was stressing out because of how toxic life has been. But still, all good.

I travelled to Japan. I usually get panic attacks during take off, I had to count from one to ten until the safety button turns green, but this trip, although last minute and quite short, it was surely amazing. I had a breath of fresh air. I feel renewed when I got back. It was such a good trip, I felt at peace. Even just for a while, it took my mind off to whatever-giving-me-stress. Maybe, I'll go there next year. I have yet to see Hogwarts. Nevertheless, it was an amazing trip. It was a dream come true.

This year, I also get to live on my own which means managing my own expenses. It was quite hard at first, doing all the work  cleaning up, doing the laundry, washing the dishes, preparing my meals throughout the day, and then studying after, waking up very early and going home late, doing groceries on the weekend. I had to get used to the routine. It was a struggle balancing life and academics, but somehow I did it and I am quite proud of it because I learned not to depend on someone. I also learned how to manage my weekly allowance and how to make it last. I barely had any impulsive buying this year. I think somehow, I became wiser when it comes to handling money. I realized how hard it was to live away from my family. It wasn't that far, but still.

But what struck me the most is that I had a crush. LOL.

He was the same guy who I liked last year. It feels like ages ago but I remember him  he was that guy who's always at the library. I knew we're the same batch but I never knew his name, not until now. My friends and I were just talking about who's who and between conversations, his name suddenly popped out of nowhere. The next day I know, we're in the same class. It's funny how life works.

It might not be really a big deal to everyone, but looking back at these moments made me realize something: I let myself vulnerable and that's something for me. Over the years, I built this wall to keep myself safe. I might've broken down few times, but I chose to stand still. Despite the rocks being thrown at me, the emotional breakdowns in-betweens, I step out of my comfort zone and tried to live outside the box. I've caged myself to avoid the pain and the hurting and it did no good to me. I am just becoming more afraid. Of what? Even I don't know.

Stepping out of my comfort zone might mean me being vulnerable, but at least it made me fearless of what's to happen. It feels like jumping off on a cliff without a life vest and learning to swim by yourself to the shore or you drown. You can choose to either live or to die. That's life. You always have to choose and I chose to live.

This year was a whirlwind of emotions. It was kind of exhausting, but the good kind.

I had no regrets.

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